{"id":11595,"date":"2025-09-19T13:36:45","date_gmt":"2025-09-19T11:36:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.margaritamayo.com\/?p=11595"},"modified":"2025-10-23T13:26:33","modified_gmt":"2025-10-23T11:26:33","slug":"how-to-give-and-receive-feedback-that-fuels-growth-without-triggering-defensiveness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.margaritamayo.com\/en\/how-to-give-and-receive-feedback-that-fuels-growth-without-triggering-defensiveness\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Give and Receive Feedback That Fuels Growth (Without Triggering Defensiveness)"},"content":{"rendered":"
Introduction<\/h2>\n
There\u2019s one skill that separates leaders who merely manage tasks from those who transform people: the ability to give and receive feedback.<\/p>\n
In my \u201cLeadership and Teambuilding\u201d course for Executive MBA students at IE University, I dedicate two full sessions to exploring the power of feedback. The first focuses on why<\/em> feedback is essential for developing authentic leadership. The second is all about how<\/em> to give and receive feedback without falling into the trap of defensiveness.<\/p>\n
Because let\u2019s face it: we all say we want feedback\u2026 until we actually get it.<\/p>\n
Last week, I explored how feedback can make you more authentic as a leader. In this post, I go one step further: I offer a practical roadmap to help you give and receive feedback in a way that fosters real growth \u2014 without triggering emotional resistance.<\/p>\n
Feedback Isn\u2019t Just Information \u2014 It\u2019s Emotion<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Picture this: you\u2019ve just finished a presentation, and a colleague offers a suggestion to improve. What\u2019s your gut reaction? Do you lean in with curiosity\u2026 or tense up inside?<\/p>\n
We often assume that feedback is a rational process \u2014 someone tells us what we did well or poorly, and we simply take note and improve. But the reality is quite different: feedback is a deeply emotional experience.<\/p>\n
No wonder \u2014 when someone highlights a weakness or mistake, it feels like our identity is being questioned. It threatens the image we hold of ourselves. If Descartes were alive today, he might say: \u201cI feel, therefore I am.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n
Why Is It So Hard to Hear?<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Psychologist and Nobel Laureate Daniel Kahneman (2011)<\/strong> explains that we operate with two mental systems:<\/p>\n
\n
System 1<\/strong>, which is fast, intuitive, and emotional, and<\/li>\n
System 2<\/strong>, which is slower, reflective, and analytical.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
When we receive critical feedback, it\u2019s System 1 that reacts first \u2014 and it does so as if we\u2019re facing a threat.<\/p>\n
In that split second, our ego kicks in. We deny. We justify. Or we run away from the conversation entirely.<\/p>\n
The problem? The more we defend ourselves, the less we learn.<\/p>\n
Feedback and Neuroplasticity: Changing the Brain to Grow<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Learning from feedback doesn\u2019t just change your behavior. It rewires your brain.<\/p>\n
One of the most fascinating findings in neuroscience is that the brain is not hardwired<\/strong>, but highly plastic \u2014 meaning it changes in response to experience.<\/p>\n
This neuroplasticity<\/strong> allows us to form new neural connections throughout life. Research shows that consciously practicing how we receive and act on feedback strengthens these neural pathways<\/strong>, making us more adaptive, aware, and authentic (Merzenich, 2001; H\u00f6lzel et al., 2011).<\/p>\n
In fact, H\u00f6lzel\u2019s research found that just eight weeks of mindfulness practice can increase gray matter in regions of the brain associated with emotional regulation and empathy \u2014 both crucial for leadership and feedback.<\/p>\n
Learning Requires Unlearning<\/strong><\/h2>\n
In a study I conducted with my research team at IE University, published in Harvard Business Review<\/em> and Academy of Management Learning & Education<\/em> (Mayo et al., 2012), we observed how MBA students reacted to receiving 360\u00ba feedback from their peers.<\/p>\n
At first, many overestimated their skills. But the most authentic leaders gradually adjusted their self-perception. They learned to see themselves through the eyes of others \u2014 a powerful and humbling experience.<\/p>\n
This is what Mezirow calls \u201cTransformational Learning\u201d<\/strong> \u2014 a type of learning that doesn\u2019t just give you new knowledge but shifts how you see yourself<\/strong>. And it\u2019s rarely comfortable.<\/p>\n
Transformational learning often comes with an emotional fallout<\/em> \u2014 a kind of internal shake-up that clears the way for a stronger, more authentic version of yourself.<\/p>\n
By practicing self-reflection and opening ourselves to feedback, we unlock deep learning and broaden our potential for growth.<\/p>\n
Defensive Reactions: What Do You Do with the Pain?<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Our instinctive responses to feedback often fall into three categories:<\/p>\n
\n
Deny:<\/strong> \u201cThat\u2019s not true.\u201d<\/li>\n
Justify:<\/strong> \u201cI had no choice.\u201d<\/li>\n
Attack:<\/strong> \u201cYou don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
But there\u2019s a better path: pause, regulate your emotions, and activate System 2. Ask yourself: \u201cWhat part of this can help me grow?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n
Accepting feedback isn\u2019t a weakness. It\u2019s a form of courage.<\/p>\n
Research by Owens and Hekman (2012)<\/strong> shows that humble leaders \u2014 those who acknowledge their imperfections \u2014 are more likely to create psychologically safe cultures<\/strong>. These are environments where people feel free to speak up, take risks, make mistakes\u2026 and grow.<\/p>\n
How to Give Feedback Without Hurting (or Sugarcoating)<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Can we deliver feedback in a way that doesn\u2019t trigger defensiveness?<\/p>\n
Absolutely \u2014 but it requires intention. One of the most common mistakes leaders make is confusing honesty with harshness. \u201cI\u2019m just being direct,\u201d we say \u2014 but often it\u2019s an excuse to avoid empathy.<\/p>\n
In her book Radical Candor<\/em>, Kim Scott (2017)<\/strong> argues for a better approach: be clear, but be kind.<\/strong> Give honest feedback with empathy and care.<\/p>\n
Scott\u2019s model includes four styles of feedback:<\/p>\n
\n
Radical Candor<\/strong>: Caring personally while challenging directly.<\/li>\n
Ruinous Empathy<\/strong>: Caring personally but avoiding challenge.<\/li>\n
Obnoxious Aggression<\/strong>: Challenging directly without caring.<\/li>\n
Manipulative Insincerity<\/strong>: Neither caring nor challenging.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
Only Radical Candor creates learning, trust, and performance.<\/p>\n
SBI+I: A Practical Framework for Tough Conversations<\/strong><\/h2>\n
If you need a step-by-step guide, try the SBI+I model<\/strong> from the Center for Creative Leadership (2020). It helps transform feedback into constructive dialogue:<\/p>\n
\n
Situation<\/strong>: Describe the context (\u201cIn this morning\u2019s meeting\u2026\u201d)<\/li>\n
Behavior<\/strong>: Describe what you observed (\u201cYou interrupted Mar\u00eda twice\u2026\u201d)<\/li>\n
Impact<\/strong>: Explain the effect (\u201cThat created confusion\u2026\u201d)<\/li>\n
Inquire<\/strong>: Ask for the other person\u2019s view (\u201cHow did you see it?\u201d)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
This last step \u2014 inquire \u2014 turns feedback from a monologue into a conversation.<\/p>\n
A Real-Life Story<\/strong><\/h2>\n
During one of my coaching sessions on feedback with a group of executives, I witnessed a moving moment.<\/p>\n
The team was using the Radical Candor and SBI+I models to give each other feedback on their interpersonal and leadership skills. One participant, after hearing constructive comments from peers \u2014 both areas for improvement and genuine recognition \u2014 began to cry.<\/p>\n
But these were tears of gratitude<\/strong>.<\/p>\n
At work, this person was used to receiving only criticism, rarely any appreciation. But in this psychologically safe environment, the feedback was honest, empathic, and uplifting<\/strong>. It helped them feel valued, and it boosted their confidence to keep growing.<\/p>\n
Conclusion: Good Feedback Is a Catalyst for Transformation<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Feedback hurts. But it doesn\u2019t have to harm your learning.<\/p>\n
Great feedback is:<\/p>\n
\n
Descriptive, not judgmental:<\/strong> Focus on behaviors, not traits.<\/li>\n
Specific, not general:<\/strong> \u201cToday you were late,\u201d not \u201cYou\u2019re always late.\u201d<\/li>\n
Impact-focused, not intention-assuming:<\/strong> Share how it affects others.<\/li>\n
Balanced over time:<\/strong> Don\u2019t sandwich every message; build trust consistently.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
In the end, the most successful people aren\u2019t the most technically brilliant. They\u2019re the ones who learn fastest \u2014 and learn through feedback.<\/strong><\/p>\n
So next time someone offers you feedback, pause and ask yourself:<\/p>\n
\ud83d\udc49 Am I using my energy to protect my ego\u2026 or to improve my impact?<\/em><\/p>\n
References<\/strong><\/h3>\n
\n
Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, Fast and Slow<\/em>. Penguin.<\/li>\n
Scott, K. (2017). Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity<\/em>. St. Martin’s Press.<\/li>\n
Mayo, M. et al. (2012). Aligning or inflating your leadership image? A longitudinal study of responses to peer feedback in MBA teams. Academy of Management Learning & Education<\/em>, 11(4), 631\u2013652.<\/li>\n
Merzenich, M. M. (2001). Cortical plasticity contributing to childhood development. Neuropsychopharmacology<\/em>, 24(3), 341\u2013347.<\/li>\n
H\u00f6lzel, B. K., et al. (2011). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging<\/em>, 191(1), 36\u201343.<\/li>\n
Owens, B. P., & Hekman, D. R. (2012). Modeling how to grow: An inductive examination of humble leader behaviors, contingencies, and outcomes. Academy of Management Journal<\/em>, 55(4), 787\u2013818.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
![\"Feedback](\"https:\/\/www.margaritamayo.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Feedback-is-not-information-is-emotion.jpg\")
Picture this: you\u2019ve just finished a presentation, and a colleague offers a suggestion to improve. What\u2019s your gut reaction? Do you lean in with curiosity\u2026 or tense up inside?<\/p>\n![\"Learning](\"https:\/\/www.margaritamayo.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Learning-Requires-Unlearning.jpg\")
In a study I conducted with my research team at IE University, published in Harvard Business Review<\/em> and Academy of Management Learning & Education<\/em> (Mayo et al., 2012), we observed how MBA students reacted to receiving 360\u00ba feedback from their peers.<\/p>\n![\"How](\"https:\/\/www.margaritamayo.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/How-to-Give-Feedback-Without-Hurting-or-Sugarcoating.jpg\")
Can we deliver feedback in a way that doesn\u2019t trigger defensiveness?<\/p>\n![\"MargaritaMayo\"](\"https:\/\/www.margaritamayo.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/Margaritamayo-150x150.jpg\")
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